


something blue

by riririn



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: ? - Freeform, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-12-25 11:03:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18259976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riririn/pseuds/riririn
Summary: The Archdemon falls, but the Hero of Ferelden lives.Some are happier about it than others.





	1. lady of highever

"She has been different since the battle."

Alistair grimaced. He had suspected it was only a matter of time before Zevran would come to him for answers, but that didn't mean he had to like it or answer the questions. So naturally, he tried to deflect, with all his kingly dignity.

"Well, yes. She's been put through the wringer. Did you think killing an archdemon was the end of it? Oh no, the real battle has only started. Now all of us have to attend parties, and she's the main attraction. The archdemon is nothing compared to Fereldan nobility," he tried. It sounded feeble even in his own ears, and thus he was not particularly surprised that Zevran just shot him a dirty look. But not that kind of dirty, thank Maker.

"Your Fereldan nobility is no match for her. Now, if we were in Antiva... But we are not. You know what I speak of, Alistair."

He did. Ever since Fort Drakon Elissa had been distraught, distant. The first few days had been understandable. He hadn't fared much better; all he could think of had been Morrigan and what they had done. But every day without Morrigan things started to look just a little bit brighter. They were alive, even if they still needed to answer to other Wardens. Being a king wasn't as bad as he had suspected, and he had all the cheese he could ever ask for. Morrigan and her possible demon-baby were fading in his mind.

He and Elissa hadn't really talked about it, though. But she was the one who had talked him into it, had told him that this way, they both might live.

And then she had left him to defend the gates and killed the Archdemon herself. He couldn't help but assume that meant she still cared for him in some way. After all, if she didn't, she could have just taken him with her and let him do the honours. If the whole black magic deal hadn't worked, then he would have taken the fall. But she left him at the gates.

And now that he thought about it, she left Zevran there too. Zevran, who was currently looking at him with very much narrowed eyes. Ah, yes. He'd probably been quiet for too long. After all, he was known for his excessive talking and not Sten-esque stoicism. Better start rambling. Too bad Zevran beat him to it.

"You are clearly thinking about something. If Morrigan were still here, she would tell you that it is not a very good look on you."

She probably would. Except she would pretend he couldn't hear her and be meaner.

"Look, yes, I was thinking. Elissa is just probably in shock about everyhing. I don't think she was prepared to actaully be there for the aftermath", was his clever retort. Which also happened to be true. And strangely enough, it seemed to stun Zevran.

"I... Yes. I suppose you are right. She was very... Determined, to end the Blight."

"There you go! Just give her time, she'll brighten up again eventually," Alistair said and plastered a big fake smile on his face. He did not really want to think about Elissa and Zevran together and happy. In fact, he was still dumbfounded that Elissa actually preferred Zevran to him. But he had heard her talking to him before she took her team to Fort Drakon. The words  _I love you_  had been spoken.

Zevran scoffed. "No need to pretend to be happy for us, my friend. I am aware you do not understand what she sees in me."

Alistair raised his hands. "You said it, not me."

Zevran looked a little sad. Which was how he felt, as well. Because he really, really didn't get it. Well, sure, Zevran was probably more... Experienced... In bed, but as far as he knew, Elissa hadn't yet slept with him when she told Alistair she didn't love him. Which in turn was just after he had told her that he loved her, which was embarrassing, to say the least. And now he had to learn to not be in love with her and he wasn't doing very well on that front. Hence, he sort of hoped she would leave soon. Seeing Zevran casually touch her shoulder or something, and see the blank look slip from her face and turn into a smile did not make him feel any better. No sir, he could do without.

The worst thing was, he had genuinely thought they had some sort of a connection, beyond even being Wardens. She had laughed at his jokes, had been so kind to him, listened and encouraged. And he had tried to return the favour. He knew she had gone through hell just before joining the Wardens. He knew she wouldn't have chosen it, if she'd had a choice.

"I know she would never have been a Warden, if she could have chosen differently," he found himslef saying out loud, too. "And I know she was hurting because of her family, but I thought... Well. I thought she could love me, too, even though she was hurting. I just don't get how you're better for her."

Zevran scoffed, but didn't say anything for a while. "She was hurting, and she was angry. She has been angry. Elissa felt as if she was outside of herself, detached, looking at herself go through the motions. Did you know that?"

Alistair swallowed. "No, I didn't. She never told me. Why would she tell you?"

"Perhaps she felt like I wouldn't judge her."

"I wouldn't have judged her! How could I have? Why would she think that?" That didn't make any sense!

Zevran sighed. "I am not saying she certainly felt that way. Perhaps that is not how she felt at all, I do not know. She has not told me, and sometimes things likes this are better left unsaid, between lovers." Alistair couldn't help but flinch at that, but Zevran went on. "But I can tell something bothers her greatly, and I suspect it has something to do with you, and the dead Warden. You spoke for a long time, the night before Fort Drakon."

"Yes, but, look. That was Warden stuff. Super secret. Can't tell you about it."

"Is it also why Morrigan has gone? I know Elissa is worried for her. Or about her, more like. Ah, the witch of the wilds is many things, but not exactly forgiving, and they did not part on good terms. Elissa fears what that may mean."

That threw Alistair off, a little. Elissa was scared of Morrigan? Well, he probably should be, too, but their mutual dislike kind of convinced him that he would never need to see her again. She had been very explicit about her dislike of him and most of everything in the human society, and he saw no reason why she would go back on her word and bring her Demon Baby to take the throne.

"I may have made a mistake, coming to you. I suspect it is as you say: she did not expect to live to see the aftermath. And now that she has, she has to go through the grief of losing everything all at once, as though it had happened yesterday."

Yeah, that would be it.

"Why did you come to talk to me then? I mean, it's not really like we're..." He didn't know what they were or were not. Not friends, but even after everything, he didn't _exactly_ dislike Zevran, either. He was jealous, yes, but not really angry.

Zevran looked at him suspiciously. "You need to ask? Oh dear."

"What? Come on, isn't it like, weird to ask about your... Lover from her ex-lover?"

"I'll have you know, I am not the jealous type. I've had pleasure and companionship with others, as well. It is how it goes." He had a distant look in his eyes. "She has changed my life, you know."

"I think it's safe to say she changed all of our lives."

"Yes, she did. But I am a better man, for knowing her. I hope to that she will find that, at least, worth living for."

Alistair had no response to that, nor did Zevran seem to expect him to have. Either she would, or she would not.


	2. like a tunnel that you follow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Highever will always burn in Elissa's memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd add a short warning: the sexual content is at the very beginning of this chapter. It's not very descriptive, but just in case, so noone gets too blindsided by it.

_Highever is on fire._

Elissa opens her eyes, and sees Alistair smiling to her. He looks happy, sated. He caresses her face, pushes a lock of hair from her forehead. She can still feel him inside her. It was enough and it wasn't enough at all. Alistair's too kind, too gentle. She thought she wanted this, wanted him, but she doesn't.

-

It's all out of her control. Her life, her death.

Elissa sees a reflection in a lake before washing her face, and can't tell who the woman looking back at her is. That face belonged to someone she knew, but she thinks that someone died just days ago.

She still calls herself Elissa Cousland of Highever, but thinks someone else came to Ostagar. It is just as well. Soon she will be a Grey Warden, and who she used to be won't truly matter.

-

Slaying the Archdemon doesn't kill her. It gives her back her brother, Fergus who never died like she thought he did. Fergus who has lost more than her.

Elissa Cousland weeps alone the night her quest ends, and she weeps because she lives to see beyond it.

-

She feels something, when she speaks to Zevran. He talks about someone he cared about, who is gone now. She looks at his face and wonders, is that how I look like, all the time? Because he certainly sounds like how she feels, all the time.

Maybe it won't ever get better. But Zevran is still here. Makes quips, teases Alistair, goes forward, or tries to, at the very least. Maybe it's all an act.

- 

_Cruel to the end_ , he tells her, and walks away before she can answer him. Somehow, that makes walking into her death easier.

-

_Highever is on fire._

_Highever is on fire, and she can't stop it._

-

In the year of the Blight she sees so many things. Some of them are going to haunt her memories until the day she dies.

Branka's lover. _Now you lay and wait, for their screams will haunt you in your dreams._

The young man in the tower. _Maker turn His gaze on you. I hope your compassion hasn't doomed us all._

She doesn't feel very compassionate. She's just tired of blood, blood, blood.

-

She envies those who have pledged their lives for the Legion of the Dead. At least they got their funerals.

She likes to imagine that in hers, people would have spoken kindly of her.

-

Sten looks at her with pity. Eventually, it turns to respect.

_You have carried us this far, do not doubt that._

-

_Highever is on fire. It's a fire that will spread and consume her, if she lets it._

Sometimes she fears it won't ever stop burning. 

-

Elissa is tired, tired, tired. They all need something from her. Make Alistair king, end the Blight, help this woman, save that man. Kill the abominations in the tower, save the mages, kill the mages. They all have demons in them.

She doesn't know what a demon looks like before she walks into the Tower, and when her body walks out, her mind's still not sure. She saw all those bodies, and all she could think of was Rendon Howe, smiling to her even as he plotted to have her and her family killed.

If that's not a demon, she doesn't know what it.

-

Sometimes, when she speaks to Morrigan, she can almost feel a connection forming.

They are so different, and yet. And yet. There is something, something they almost understand in each other. But it is also something they cannot show. Morrigan is too careful, too guarded. Too flippant about herself, her powers, the world. Elissa cannot stand that, sometimes.

It takes care, to balance a relationship based on mutual respect stemming from dislike.

-

_Sometimes when I walk down the road I feel like I'm not in me_ , she tells Zevran one night. They've just finished with their lovemaking, and lie there side by side. There's nothing sweet, like with Alistair. It just is. Elissa just is.

She won't ever be free, but in these moments, no one expects nothing of her, either. She just hopes Zevran won't start expecting something of her, too.

-

He doesn't.

He loves her, Elissa can tell that much. But he tries to hide it behind his characteristic bravado, his sexuality. But she does notice that the times he seems to be paying most attention are after they are finished.

Maybe it's because that's the only time she feels vulnerable enough to talk about herself. Maybe he can see that the closeness of those moments reminds her of something she had thought gone.

-

_Highever is on fire._

-

But the battle's done and she won.

Denerim is still standing, for the most part. Orzammar will hopefully start picking itself up, too. The Tower of Magi will regrow. The Dalish in the Brecilian Forest are moving on.

Maybe Elissa can move on, too. Someday.

 

Highever is gone, but Elissa carries it in her heart. Maybe, with time, she will only carry the good parts. Maybe, eventually, the fire will burn itself out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cousland is so not in a good place of mind in any of this. And as you can probably guess, this isn't linear in any way.
> 
> The title of this chapter in from _Windmills of Your Mind. _I first heard in The Thomas Crown affair (the 1968 version). Highly recommend watching it; it's a surreal art experience not too common in films.__

**Author's Note:**

> I've always imagined this Warden seriously doubting herself after Fort Drakon, partly because she just talked her ex-lover to having a baby with a morally dubious woman because she didn't want to die or kill her ex-lover.
> 
> But also partly because I think the game left Cousland's healing concerning her family's death very... unconvincing. You can't really explore that in the game. So, I imagine that this Cousland has some sort of an emotional breakdown after the final battle, and has to deal with everything she has been through in the last year all at once.
> 
> I also headcanon this Cousland's decision to drop Alistair to be because he is too Fereldan, too close to home. Zevran is safer, he's different, and I also thought he would understand dark thoughts and moods better than Alistair.
> 
> Comments would be much appreciated!


End file.
